Enter, Zohan

When you've been privileged to have the Best Cat Ever streak in and out of your life like a purring comet, changing forever your notion of how deeply you can love a creature with the brain the size of a ping pong ball, it's easy to be a little gun shy about 'The Next One.'

(Especially when you're still swapping the debt load incurred from caring for the Best Cat Ever from no-interest credit card to no-interest credit card.)

But sometimes fate has a way of, to put it gently, kicking you in the ass. So behold, as I relinquish unto you...

The Book of Zohan

Now in those sorrowful days when we mourned the loss of Bitey, Lord of all Bouganveillia, our dear friends, Seamus & Monica, lost their beloved dog Ellie Mae. These were trying times for all, and we banded together to grieve together and help each other pass into the Time of No Pets.

In the days and months that followed, Seamus and Monica moved to the Valley...that valley which is also called The Valley of Feral Cats. And Monica, from whose heart flowed the love of all creatures great and small, befriended two wild felines. She named them "mumma" and "puppa", which in the language of her people, The Bostonians, means Mother and Father Cat.

Monica brought these wild cats food, and they trusted her. And Monica, whose eye was as sharp and her heart was great, knew that Mumma was, in the language of our times, Preggers.

And lo, beneath the Dumpster of Trash, behind the Complex of Condos, Mumma gave birth to three adorable kittens. Monica brought more food. Then, four weeks later there were two kittens. And they were by themselves.

And Monica said unto Seamus, "We should rescue them!"

And Seamus said unto Monica, "But what about my allergies?"

And Monica said unto Seamus, "We shall put them in the guest bathroom."

And yea, the kittens came to live in the Condo of Monica & Seamus...and they were adored.

Now some weeks later, Monica of the Sharp Eye and the Great Heart noticed under the Dumpster of Trash a lone, squalling kitten. And she thought, is this the missing kitten of the litter?

And it was.

So Monica took this third kitten to the Guest Bathroom, and this kitten was afraid. And she wondered, why did this cat disappear, when all other cats of the litter were found?

As she cared for this shy new creature, Monica asked this question unto her neighbors and they replied...

"Yes, we took this kitten into our home, and we loved her. And then after a week, we beheld that she was a lot of work. So we put her back under the Dumpster. Because we could think of no other sensible thing to do."

And Monica's heart was sore, for she felt in her heart that these people were, in the language of our times, Assholes.

Now Monica's heart was also sore, because she knew that the allergies of Seamus, her betrothed, could not withstand a third member of the Kitten Clan. Yet she wished to give unto this third kitten a fine life.

So she sent a Message of Text from the Valley of the Feral Cats over the hills and into the Wood of Holly, imploring her dear friends Matthew of the Wrong Side of the Wellesley Tracks and Jennie of Olde Affordable Park Slope, to come to the Valley and behold this new shy creature.

And Matthew and Jennie, who ventured into the Valley only when absolutely necessary, came. And they met the smallest of the Kitten Clan. She was dark, with the markings of a tortoise, and a blonde spot upon the tip of her small tail, as if to light her way through a dark and troublesome world. And this smallest one hid behind the toilet, and quavered in fear.

And so, after some discussion, Matt and Jennie, with brave hearts and some trepidation, took this smallest one into their home.

Now this kitten, who remained nameless, in the custom of the time, was scared, and she hissed for many days and hid beneath the furniture.

And Matt said unto Jennie, "This kitten has a hissing tongue and a fearful demeanor."

And Jennie said unto Matt, "So?"

And Matt said unto Jennie, "What if this kitten is a dud?"

And Jennie said nothing, yet in her heart she feared that this might be so, and that this young kitten might live for many many years, yet be a stranger to their hearts.

But one day, their true and loyal friend David of the Echoing Park, beheld the Toy of All Toys...a long curving wire with cardboard sticks attached unto itself which cost mere pennies to make in the Manufacturing Villages of China, yet cost $3.49 at Petco.

And Loyal David wondered...would this fearful hissing kitten like to play?

And behold, this shy and scared youngling saw the Toy of all Toys and was transfixed. And from the cowering darkness she leapt, and batted, and pounced upon this toy. And Loyal David smiled, and named her Black-ula.

And by these means her shyness was banished. And her eyes, which had contained only fear, widened with the curiosity of the truly young, and she was softened, and began to purr and sleep under the covers between Matthew and Jennie, something not even Bitey, Lord of all Bouganveilla would deign to do.

And it was good.

Now Matthew was much smitten by the name Black-ula, as befitted his comedic character. But Jennie wondered unto herself, would she really want the nurses at the veterinarians to shout "Is...Black-ula here?" whenst the cat was ready for its shots.

So she pondered a new name, one that would honor the cat's fierce nature, yet not be so dependent upon Black Exploitation Comedy. And Matthew pondered as well, but nothing came.

And Matthew said unto Jennie, "You can't force these things."

And Jennie said unto Matt, "But Black-ula? Really?"

And they were sorely troubled.

But one night, a vision came unto them by means of their Liquid Crystal Display, and they saw something known. in the lauguage of their times, as a Movie Trailer. And this trailer described unto them a film starring a fine member of Jennie's tribe known as Adam Sandler.

And this film, was known by the name, "Don't Mess with the Zohan." And it told the story of a Child of Israel who was a Commando, Dresser of Hair and a general bad-ass.

And Jennie looked at her new kitten, whose eyes were fierce and determined as she wiggled her butt before pouncing on the Toy of All Toys, and she said "Zohan?"

And the kitten came to her side....

And so it was.

And they lived happily in their tiny cottage in the Wood of Holly, once again a family of three.

Here endeth Chapter One of the Book of Zohan.